BIQ Guide To Horror Clichés: No mobile phone signal.

Are telecommunications in the United States really as bad as horror movies would have us believe? According to the world of horror cinema the only place to get a reliable mobile phone signal is in a box buried under ground in the middle of the Iraqi desert.

In Australia, I’ve only ever been one place where I couldn’t get a mobile phone signal: Ellalong, NSW. As the name suggests it’s an “‘ell of a long” way away. So far away, in fact, I seriously doubt any madman would actually bother heading out there to kill anyone.

Cliché Annoyance Factor: Low / Moderate / High

BIQ Guide To Horror Clichés: Everyone drinking the same beer.

What kind of inbred nonsense is a social gathering where everyone drinks the same beer?

It's the curse of product placement deals that has allowed the cliché, of everyone drinking the same lager, to germinate. Of course, this cliché isn't exclusively limited horror movies, but the horror genre is the proud domain of the very worst example of this cliché; My Bloody Valentine

In My Bloody Valentine everyone, everywhere, drinks Moosehead. It's like some sort of alternate universe where Moosehead is the only beer that exists. Holy crap, now that I think about it in those terms, it's just occurred to me how horrific that movie really is.

Cliche Annoyance Factor: Low / Moderate / High

BIQ Guide To Horror Clichés: Fleeing a car in a straight line.

If you’re on foot and a madman, who wants to kill you, is perusing you in a car, what is the most effective way to evade certain death?

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that running in a straight line in the path of the car is probably the 2nd most ineffective strategy possible (standing stationary in front of the car being the most ineffective).

Yet, in the world of horror cinema, protagonists inexplicably employ this strategy all the time. It’s not usually until they trip over and fall flat on their face that they finally see the flaw in this strategy and craw out of the path of the car on hands and knees, often (conveniently) just in the nick of time.

Now, not only is running in a straight line an idiotic strategy for evading a car, but the best way to get out of the path of a car (once you finally wake up to the fact that that is indeed what you need to do) is not on hands and knees either. I’m reminded of what numerous football coaches have preached to me over the years; “keep your feet”. It is basic human biomechanics: you can move faster when you are upright on two legs, rather than down on all fours.

Cliché Annoyance Factor: Low / Moderate / High